Useless Stuff People Buy For Their Cats

I spend a fair amount of time in Pet Smart. It's the cat mama's version of Toys R Us.

Let me tell you there is a lot of useless -and expensive- stuff out there designed to separate indulgent animal lovers from their hard-earned cash. Somebody must be buying it. As they say, there's a sucker born every minute. Well, Happy Birthday to me.

You know those seasonal costumes that turn your cat into the Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Well, last Christmas I decided to bedeck the kitties in holiday finery for our Christmas card photo. My blood sugar must have been low that day. We don't do holiday card photos. Because I have never been able to get all seven cats to sit together for a photo. Or get clothes on them.

I still haven't.

If anyone's interested, there will soon be seven never-worn Christmas cat costumes for sale on e-bay.

Useless stuff people buy for their cats: Cat clothes.

Some useless stuff people buy for their cats actually seems practical at first glance. Exhibit A: The PediPaws nail trimmer. As Seen on TV.

If you read my blog on kitty flea treatments, those are a day in the park compared to kitty pedicures. Not only do you have to catch the cat, extend its claw (without scratching yourself), trim the claw (without cutting off the toe), you have to do it 10 times. Per cat. Twelve times in Ernie's case -- he's a polydactyl. Ain't no cat in the world that patient. Or stupid.

So when I saw the infomercial for the PediPaws, I was intrigued. Its low-noise, battery operated whirling emery wheel allegedly offers a fast, easy and painless alternative to conventional nail clippers. There's even a container attached to catch the trimmings.

My recurring gentleman caller, though not a cat lover, immediately picked up on a red flag: The infomercial featured extensive footage of five tail-wagging dogs. And one very brief screen shot of a trembling cat. I bought it anyway.

The first time I turned on the motor to get the cats "used to the sound" as the instructions suggested, they all ran under the bed. And stayed there. The PediPaws went into the junk drawer. And stayed there.

I've noticed a lot of them in the clearance bins recently. Maybe dogs aren't so crazy about them either.

Stupid things people buy their pets: battery operated nail trimmers.

Today, while browsing the pet section at Target, I saw the Grand Prize Winner for Useless Stuff People Buy For Their Cats.

A bungee harness and leash for walking cats. I kid you not.

This product (retail price: $14.99) promises to "enhance" your cat's life by safely exposing them to " the sights, smells and sounds " of the great outdoors.

The cat on the package did not look like her life was being enhanced. She looked pissed.

And when was the last time you saw a cat walking on a leash?

I tried it with one of my first black cats back when I was a teenager. It was an adorable pink leash with rhinestone-studded collar that would have made David Bowie salivate. Pookie just wasn't into the whole glitter rock look. He promptly laid down and no amount of coaxing could get him on his feet. He looked at me pityingly before curling up for a nap, still wearing the collar with leash.

It's safe to say I'm not falling for that one again.